Romans 12:3 “For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith.”
Pastor Chris continues: So, you start thinking, oh God, are you testing my faith in some way, so that I become a more palpable for you to use in your kingdom, because this isn’t fun anymore? Then, if that’s what you wanted, I’d rather not be used and I’d love for you to leave my wife alone at this point. She woke the night after her diagnosis, thinking that she is dying and wanted to tell the children good-bye. This started a fear that if she fell asleep again, she would not wake up, so she didn’t sleep at all for ten days, which completely rewired her brain and started talking about suicidal ideations. She said that she loved her life, she loved her family and didn’t want to die, but felt like there was a voice telling her that if she ever want to get sleep, this is what she would have to take her life. We went to many doctor and psychiatrists for the condition, and would try anything or pay amount to help cure her; just give me my wife back.
The doctors ran a trauma-line on her brain, which registered about 64 ( a normal trauma-line is about 2-3 and a “fight or flight” soldier in combat is about 31). Then, she was diagnosed with schizophrenia; a complete dissection from whoever she used to be. But, I knew that as soon as I get her better, we can have her own life back, we can have our old life back, and we can go back to building this life that God wants. And then, we would have this great testimony because God took us through the darkest night of our soul; not knowing if she would get through it or what would happen. Pastor Chris was protected his wife and their children from this mental process and keeping everyone safe, thinking that if you are diligent and dutiful in this, that there is going to be something on the other side of this where you say: Wow, look at how God got us through that!. But, at the same time three of the children came down with serious health issue and you want to scream: Where are you God! Why do you delay your hand? You see me. I am your son. You are the God of gentleness and you are always on time. It is not like you can’t hear me, so go something!
You call God on His own words. God, you are a man of your word and if you say it, we believe it. You are the Great Physician and have the power to make dead things live. You can fix all this trauma and suffering; just intercede. Do something. If nothing else, let me know that you are here. On July 31, 2021, his wife took her own life in a mental health facility in Tucson, Arizona. Receiving that unthinkable, devastating, surreal phone call, the world drops … there is such an upside-down-ness. You know? Did you just told me that my wife is gone? Like my best friend and soulmate? Like the mother of my kids? You are telling me that when I walk my baby girl down the aisle at her wedding, she won’t be there? I’m just sitting in a puddle of myself on my son’s bedroom floor where I took the phone call. I thought that it was my wife calling. It was the Tucson area code and she called me every day from the facility to talk about what was going on that day.
This tragedy was not a year ago for me. I’m not sitting here saying, let me tell you about what it is like on the other side of doubt. I’m just explaining to you that at some point, you either have to rip up the picture that you had of Jesus, the fake Sushi version of Him or seek truth. And I remember sitting on the floor and just thinking to myself: God, there is a vacuum of who I thought you were, because there is no way that you would have let this happen to me. The version of you that I believed in, you would not have let this happen to me. So, there is a vacuum and a hole where you used to be, and I don’t know what to put there anymore. And John 6:66 comes to mind, “From that time many of His disciples went back and walked with Him no more”, but I am not going to turn to Atheism because that is the worldview that says: This life is nothing, so who cares. It doesn’t make any difference. We are all just a cosmic accident made of space dust and you wife’s life and death was unimportant; there is no justice for it, there is no reconciliation, there is no redemption and there is no resurrection. So, I know that wasn’t were I was going to turn, but for me it was this deep wrestling match with God.
So, that is what I am in the middle of right now and when I start to turn to Scripture, all the platitudes that you grew up with, all the Coffee mug and refrigerator magnet phrases that you’ve read, you question: This was your plan? To lose my wife and have to raise five kids by myself, and I am absolutely demoralized, having no more confidence or dignity in who I am? Now, I’m supposed to come and preach about this great story of how God brought me through it? So, is that your big plan God, because that is pretty selfish to me. You take away my wife, our kids’ mom, my life, and my future? What do you want me to do when one of my children ask: if mommy loved us then why did she take her own life? These questions are not hypothetical; it’s reality. I deal with them on a daily basis now.
Psalm 20:7 “Some trust in chariots, and some in horses; but we will remember the name of the Lord our God.”
Now, what do you do? Now, who is God? There is this strange comfort in the person of Jesus as I dive back into the text of Scripture. There’s stories, analogies, and interactions that meant very little to me before, but now mean a lot to me. How different is Easter after you lost a loved one? Because it is not just some fun pastel story of when Jesus came back from the dead. Jesus’ death, burial and resurrection proved that He has the power to make dead things live again, so you think about your beloved on that day and one of the biggest glories in Jesus’ resurrection is that Jesus’ check that He wrote with His life when He said, “I am the Messiah, I am God, I am the Savior of the world, I will not stay dead, and I will bring you with me that where I am in Heaven, you may be there also. The check cleared when He came out of the grave. Which means now, Easter is like a receipt that believing Christians get to walk around with. And when the hardest day comes, I sit there and think about it, I get to hold Easter and say: “I know that I will see them again” and here is my receipt. The empty grave is my receipt. My Redeemer lives, and so does our Christian loved ones who have gone to be with the Lord in Heaven.
Let's continue Pastor Chris' message on having a fake Jesus and times of crisis in the next post.
In Christ, Brian
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