All my life, I had wondered. I felt there was a void in my life, something was missing. I think I always knew it was Jesus, and when I went to church, I never felt better. But, I had felt like an outsider...like maybe He was someone else’s Jesus...not mine, because I didn’t grow up in a church. I still felt that way when I started going to church, but God held me and pushed me through the fear so I could make HIM my own! I feel fortunate that that experience happened. I know God would have pursued me in other ways, but I really desired him...wanted that void filled. What a loving God, I realized that I was made to worship HIM and that is why the void was filled. The Bible started making sense, had new meaning. And, my desires to be the good girl were backed with a biblical perspective. My own philosophies and mind-set began to make sense to me. It was like I was waiting for HIM all along, but never knew how to ask...was afraid God wouldn’t want me. I was wrong, though. He has always been waiting, patiently! So cool!
I just feel fortunate to be alive and be a child of God! We are blessed to be loved so much! I appreciate genuine honestly and purity...it is something I strive for always. I feel like people sometimes confuse that...may think I have ulterior motives. But God commissions us to love everyone! I think God calls all of us to be speculative individuals....meaning, he made all of us differently and he calls each of us to discern what type of study will work for our own mind. I am extremely analytical and philosophical. I love studying the process of discipleship. I have found much freedom in knowing that being a Christian means I don’t have to be perfect....that my willing heart is what God wants. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be perfect....I still want that, but am trying to let God replace that desire for perfection with a desire to bear fruit from my relationship with God. I work on putting HIM first, want that...I know I am better at it because of the nature of our relationship. I know it is a process and a journey. I have learned a lot from other Christians in the past, but I must admit, it is hard for me to find people who want to be a disciple like me... It is NOT that I think I am so great or better than other people. I, honestly, think so many people just have the “stuck-ness", when it comes to their relationship with God. They can’t move beyond...or choose not to move beyond the initial salvation point. Discipleship, true discipleship, requires work. It requires a transformation of the heart and soul. I think I knew all of this when I was young, when I was first saved. I wanted to indulge in the Bible... I would have jumped into it like a pool if I could have. :) I read it so much, memorized verses daily while also taking college courses. I am not sure how I did it, except that I was singularly focused in this regard...almost to the point where I had NO life outside of those practices. In retrospect, I think it is good to study with purity like that, but I know that God wants me to have a life. He has put such loving and wonderful kids in my life to help me focus on them. He has put such a wonderful husband in my life to do the same.
It is nice today, the peaceful rain is almost lulling me back to sleep, or at least making me comfortable and relaxed. I was just reading James 3:13-18 where it talks about peacefulness and heavenly wisdom. Just like with the fruits of the spirit, I SO desire to have the fruits of heavenly wisdom...which are pure, peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. I do wonder, sometimes, if the world is really ready for those of us who take this job of ambassadorship seriously. Of course, the answer is NO, but I continually pray that I will be better at taking the resistance that comes my way...that I will continue to strive for heavenly wisdom and purity of soul. You are right, there is nothing more fulfilling than love, nothing. And to recognize the pure and true love of God is an amazing gift. I just want that for everyone, but God works in his own time and He is using us in many ways that we don’t even know. To be genuine and authentic; two things that I strive for all of the time! I really try to be a genuine friend to all that are around me and work to model Christ’s love to everyone. I am not overly preachy and could probably try working on sharing my faith a little better on a verbal level. However, my main goal this past year or so has been to model Christ’s genuine love to others...without any thought about them returning that love to me. It has been a very interesting process because I wanted to give back the love that so many people gave to me when diagnosed with cancer and going through treatment. However, I realized that I could not pay everyone back, but I might be able to pay that love forward to others that cross my path. My family gives me SO much love and because of that, I really feel like I should be prepared to give that strength to others with Christ’s genuine love. My cancer experiences have given legs to my faith and helped me fully articulate God’s messages to others. .I am alive only through the grace of God. He has purpose for me. He loves me.
God bless you!